Sunday, August 25, 2013

The meaning behind being Withholding

To withhold something is to prevent progress. Say someone asks you for something, a marble perhaps. You’ve had this marble for a long time.  You don’t play marbles. It means nothing to you, but you plan to use this marble to negotiate a favor, or deal, in an attempt to manipulate something out of a relationship. Then it could be that you are a scumbag. It’s sad the way this sort of shrewd deal making is not only encouraged, but applauded.  It’s these sorts of tactics that keep your soul from evolving into who you were meant to be. Ok, say you’re on the opposite side of the fence and you’re the one asking for the marble. When the person who’s withholding the marble then comes back to you with an offer of “I’ll give it to you if you…” it could be that it’s just a give and take interaction, which is normal. An equal exchange is healthy and it occurs when both parties leave feeling like they’ve gotten good value from this encounter. It’s when the marble holder then decides to capitalize on the interaction and your fondness for marbles, that they decide to up the ante, and ask for more than they’re fair share out of the deal.

Let’s say you’re exiting a relationship, be it romantic, friendship, or business. The day of reckoning has come and it’s now time to settle up, divide the stuff, and move on.  Withholding stems from longing. Perhaps you’re exiting the relationship, and the ex doesn’t give you back your favorite t-shirt. It’s a t-shirt. It’s net worth is zero dollars. It means nothing to the ex, but the ex knows it’s important to you, so they’re going to make sure you don’t have it. There’s no way of getting it back without changing your mind about the situation and caving. By doing this, the custodian of the coveted t-shirt has passed the longing on. They are no longer yearning alone. Even though you’re no longer present, you both long for something…together. Sucks, don’t it?

This behavior is learned, usually from the parents, and by the time it gets to you, the marble hoarder/t-shirt keeper gets to you, the behavior is hard-wired.

If you have something that you are withholding that means nothing to you and the only reason you’re holding on to this item it to stifle someone else’s enjoyment or progress, then go ahead and place yourself in the asshole category. Stop striving for winning. Strive for balance.

Chances are, you’ve at some point done this. It’s a basic relationship control mechanism. Let go of the reigns. You cannot control anyone. The only thing you can control is how you deal with it.

If you are being withheld from, prepare yourself to get up from the table, leave the marble behind, and go buy yourself a new t-shirt.  It’s just a thing. You were born without it and it’ll be in a trash heap when you die.

Monday, August 19, 2013

NOPE! It’s not okay: The power of justification.

I work in a field filled with people trying to get things done and achieve their goals…or in some cases, trying to beat the system and blend in with the people that are achieving, in the hopes that they can be mistaken for an achiever.

I blame television. Every single medical drama on TV is fraught with doctors telling patients “It’s okay.” and “Everything’s going to be alright.”. Two scenes later, the kid who was merely on a road trip with his friends to bring relief to a part of the country that was just wracked with tornadoes or a biblical flood, and was then hit by a trucker that’s been up for three days in an effort to make a delivery on time before the produce he’s carrying spoils, dies on the operating table…Hey, guess what? Everything's not going to be alright...and all for the love of salad.

Here’s the message, saying “It’s okay.” When it’s clearly not ok, is uttered to convince oneself. I met someone today who knows that what he’s doing is stealing. Stealing opportunities and stealing money by basically cheating the system. Imagine a mugger who’s stealing your purse and telling you the whole time “It’s okay. I deserve it. It’s okay. I need it more than you.”
Is it okay?
Is it?
I understand that any system is flawed in some way. We’re human beings, flaw is in our nature. It’s when you know that what you’re doing is wrong and you justify it. Part of being a grown up is owning your mistakes. If you own it, then it has no more power over you. It’s a very uncomfortable lesson, and “It’s okay.” is much easier to talk your way through.
“It’s okay. They owe it to me, look at what I’ve been through.”
“It’s okay, look how much of my time, effort, and work they get out of me.”
“It’s okay, look at what he/she put me through.”
“It’s okay, look at how she’s dressed.”

See? That’s where we are. When you say “It’s okay.”, that’s when you have to take a step back, because you know it isn’t.” It’s not okay to take advantage.
You know better.
You know you know better, and you’re trying to make it alright with yourself.
You say “It’s okay.” for no one’s benefit but your own. Let me just tell you, no matter how you justify it, no matter how much you play it off like it doesn’t bother you, no matter much you say “It doesn’t matter.”, it does. And you know it does. Eventually you will have to answer for it. There’s no way of getting around it. Once you’ve done it…and I’m in this boat too. Your conscience will hold you accountable. 

Don't lie to your conscience like a medical drama. The produce isn't worth it. 

It’s not okay.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

The Job Search: Part One. What do you want?

Where to look?
Research companies that do what you want to do. If you’re in sales, try getting into a company that sells a product you believe in. Here’s an exercise: Make a list of things that you like to do, then research companies that make those things. What are your hobbies? How do you spend your time when you’re not getting paid? You need to be deliberate.

For instance, if you’re a gamer and you want to get into the field, make a list of gaming companies that make your favorite games. Then find out what it is that they’re looking for. Get into the company, it might not be your ideal job, but you’re one step closer.  It’ll be a lot easier for you to navigate your way into the position that’s right for you if you’re already in the door.

How to get hired. – General guidelines.
(I’ll elaborate more on the hiring process next week.)

With the job market being as competitive as it is, many job seekers are scatter-shooting the employment pool and flooding everywhere and anywhere with their generic resume. If that’s you, stop. It’s not a good way to get the job you want and you could be robbing someone who really wants your random job from an opportunity to do what they love. Sure, you may haphazardly land some gig that’ll keep your lights on, and the repo man from absconding with your ride, but in the long term, you’re going to be stuck there…for at least a year. There are jail-terms with shorter sentences than that. If you’re not comfortable with giving at least a year commitment, then look elsewhere. Ideally, employers want at least two years, which is enough to prove competency in a position, and won’t look like you left your job due to a personal conflict or being unable to perform your duties.

Say you find a new job. If it’s possible, don’t leave your old one until you have found a new one. It’s way more difficult to land a new job when you don’t have one. That said, when you do have a new job, don’t leave your old one in a blaze of glory. Everyone has the fantasy of Molotov-cocktailing the bridge you’ve crossed once you’re on the other side, I would strongly encourage you NOT to do so. The world is a lot smaller than you think, and employers always check in with your previous boss. Sure there’s a list of questions bosses are allowed to ask previous employers, but there’s some really crafty ways of sidestepping that process. One of which is “Would you hire this person back?” and if you told your old boss to kiss your ass as you dropped the keys down the garbage disposal, don’t be shocked if your new job suddenly decides to “go a different direction”. 

The power of Social media.
If you blast your job on your Facebook page, someone will find out about it.  You put it on the Internet for crying out loud. What did you think was going to happen? Social media has become a rant fest of people speaking their minds about their crummy jobs, neighbors, bosses and exes.  It’s never a bad move to not blast someone on the Internet. The media loves to report bad news and people getting what’s coming to them.  If you bag on the guy who signs your paychecks don’t be surprised when he stops signing them.

Getting there.
Say you’re not in an optimal position to land your dream job. It’s okay. Everybody has to start somewhere. It’s time to start looking into the steps you’re going to need to take to get there. Start with identifying what’s keeping you from where you want to be, and then knocking those obstacles out of your way, one by one. If you have no idea where to start, contact someone who does what you want to do and find out the how-tos.
Every journey begins with a single step. Stop wandering. Make steps in the right direction and ask yourself the question, what do you want for your life?

The days of just doing whatever are long gone. Don’t get to the end of your life and say, “I shoulda…” You are never going to be as young as you are right now, and you will get to a point where it’s too late, so get busy.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

You can SHOVE your tolerance. A fireside chat.

I’m considered by most who know me to be a very positive person. I go out of my way to say something nice and true to the people in my life everyday. It’s a trick my grandfather taught me. “Make someone’s day just a little bit better for having come into contact with you.” It’s really simple and could make all the difference in the world. When it comes down to answering the question, “How was your day?”
“Well, John told me that I was having a good hair day. What a jerk!”
See? The world just doesn’t work that way. 

That said, it’s time I bring up the subject of tolerance. It’s crummy verbiage. When someone, for whatever reason, clad with a beaming sanctimonious smile, offers the olive branch of tolerance, you should smack them in the face with the broad side of a rubber spatula. I’m referring in this instance to your lifestyle. Lifestyle, I realize, is painting with a very broad brush, but I’m trying to be inclusive.  If someone tolerates your lifestyle, it says that their opinion on the subject actually means something. In this case, I’m referring to organizations or communities looking down their noses at you for whatever reason.

Tolerance is a word of condescension. Religious organizations and political parties use it in the sense of  “I will permit you do whatever it is that you do but only because I am the bigger person, but it none-the-less annoys me. Sarah Palin is only barely tolerant of gays even existing.  Michelle Bachmann espouses that we have religious tolerance in this country, and she’s ok with that. Well thanks ladies, it’s mighty white of you to smile through gritted teeth and allow us to breathe the same air as you.  Also, it’s a word of noncommittal mediocrity, like a hole in your sock is tolerated. You've already left the house and there's nothing you can do about it (Thanks Beck.). Tolerance is trying to be ok with something (kinda).
To quote Yoda, “Do or do not. There is no try.”
Tolerance is like choosing to drink lukewarm milk at the beach because the group you’re with is keen on it.  Sure, you’re dying of thirst and this keeps you from completely dehydrating, but for Christ’s sake, order a margarita already.

Sarah reports that she’s tolerant of adults choosing the partners that they deem appropriate for them. Um, thank you? As far as any relationship is concerned, unless you are personally in it, you’re opinion about it is irrelevant. You’re not a participant in this relationship, so…you can eat a booger.

As far as religious tolerance is concerned, your relationship with whatever deity you serve, or lack there of, is entirely your business. No one can come between you and your faith unless you let them. Anyone who says they will or will not tolerate you because of their religion is someone who is begging to be introduced to your spatula.  That’s their faith that they’re trying to align you with, and if you bend to it, then you’re opening the door to bending on the next whim and fancy that their religion beckons…and the next one…and the next one. Tolerance is a word you should be insulted by.

It is a privilege to be in someone's life. It truly is. Conversely, it is an equal privilege to be in mine. Those who do not respect that relationship need not be there. Tolerance is a word I despise. Do not dare condescend to tolerate me because I absolutely will not tolerate you doing so.
Celebrate me. I will raise a glass to you.

You can shove your tolerance.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Bad Bosses -Misery & Fear- and how to overcome them

Don’t let the people you work for crush your soul. It’s the only one you have. I’ve had some pretty terrible bosses throughout my working life, and I’ve found that some of the most successful people who have managed to claw their way up to positions of power have ended up being some of the most fearful and miserable people you could ever hope to never meet.

For example, the most miserable person that I’ve ever come across was a boss. She took it upon herself to break down everyone who entered her presence. She was ridiculously wealthy and would threaten children with lawsuits. Yes, children. “You know if you do this, I’m going to get my lawyer and sue you.” Yep, she said it to a seven year old. There’s no doubt in my mind that she’d do it too. The worst of it, was the fact that the money she would use fuel her tyranny wasn’t even hers. It was her husband’s. I’d love to say that it was unintentional and she did it out of some sort of uncontrollable compulsion, but that’s not the case. She was strategic and calculating about it. We worked in a bullpen and I had the opportunity to observe her process. She’d size someone up and then shoot them down, demolishing them in the most heavy-hitting way possible was goal and she did it every day.  She spoke like a chain-smoking trucker. On the phone, you would not be able to determine the gender of whom you were speaking and it was intentional. She wore sweats to work. Her weight fluctuated regularly so clothes that had some give to them were optimal. Seeing her take down outsiders was like watching Animal Planet. You’d root for the gazelle, but you knew the croc was gonna get her and there was nothing you could do about it, including change the channel. Then she started eyeballing me. Shit. I knew she was about to unfurl her vitriol my direction an there was nothing to do about it. It was like being put in front of Jabba the hut and just waiting for him to open up the floor and drop you to your doom. “You know, John. I was married before the eyes of god and you’ll never have gay marriage. Most of the country feels the way I do and I will always vote it down.” Then she waited. My response was inspired, and it took a fraction of a moment to reply. It was like I was channeling or something. “You know what? I believe most people your age may feel that way, most people my age are fine with it. Those that are younger are even more progressive, and one day you’re going to die…and all I have to do is wait.”
Tada! There was nothing she could do. I guess the gazelle got away this time.

I had another boss who’d rule-bomb her victims. Making notes on all your mistakes and then choosing her moment to call you in her office, unfurl her list, and nuke you. She is hands-down the most fearful person I’ve ever met. It wasn’t just me that she’d do it to. She’d go after people who she thought she could break. My reaction to it was simple. Do not react. Where I failed earlier with my previous boss was that I reacted. I won the battle but the sweat suit clad trucker would pick future fights because she knew that I’d fight back. Where I succeeded with this one was that I proved unbreakable. I didn’t fire back. I knew this fear monger was the type to find a way to intimidate people into quitting or retaliating, and once you retaliated, the 1st rule bombing would look like a tea party compared to what was to come. Being unflappable sent the message that you were not someone who cared what she thought. Stand tall, an asshole’s opinion is little more than a fart.

So what’s the common thread here? Misery and Fear are basic emotions that alienate those who are afflicted with them. They’re lonely. What they want more than anything is to instill misery and fear in those around them. If successful, they aren’t alone anymore and the burden of misery and fear has been removed from their shoulders and effectively placed, at least for the time being, onto yours.

Don’t give in. Don’t give up, and don’t hand over the keys to your happiness. They’re gonna wreck the car.  

Lastly, I have faith that these people enter your life to teach you the depths of your strength. Once you learn that, they leave.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Life. Can you deliver?

It’s ALL about deliverables.

It’s pretty simple really.
Every relationship in your life is based on “deliverables”.
Deliverables are the things that are being asked of you, an expectation.
As an academic advisor, I interact with students who come in at wit’s end, not knowing how to make the grade they need to be successful in whatever class it is they’re failing at the time. This is where I bring up this concept of deliverables to them. When you take a class you are not entitled to a particular grade simply because you paid for it. Jobs are the same way. You are not entitled to a sixty thousand dollar a year salary simply for showing up. The public high school system fails our kids by grooming them for just "getting by" through life. Doing the precise acceptable minimum is a recipe for graduation. It’s a disservice. The world is getting more and more competitive. There are more people on the planet than have ever been on the planet before and this situation shows no signs of changing or reversing.

So here’s the concept:

You are being asked to deliver a product (X).
Can you deliver (X)?

Yes or no.

If the answer is yes, then you will be successful. It’s that simple.

The trick is identifying just what exactly (X) is.

This identification process is the first step. The second step is providing (X).

Let’s start with a classroom setting. When you take a class, the very first day, the professor will hand you a syllabus and go over the expectations as to what is being asked of you as a student. These are deliverables. As a student, you are being asked to deliver a product, a project for example. This project consists of a set of criteria. It must be so many pages long; it must contain these certain points; it must have other various aspects; it must be delivered on time, etc.. You must deliver exam results which proves that you comprehend the material you agreed to when you registered for the class. You must deliver your body in a chair for an appropriate amount of time. That’s pretty much it. I often get push-back from students that say “I don’t know what her problem is, I paid for the class. I show up. She should just pass me.”

“Nope. You’re missing the point. You paid for the privilege to take the class. If everyone just got a grade because they paid for it, what would be the point in obtaining a diploma? It wouldn’t mean anything."

Jobs are the same way with the exception of it’s less direct on what the expectations are, but at this point you should have an idea as to how to deliver what’s being asked of you. Your boss wants you to complete these specific tasks. If you successfully deliver these tasks, you will be successful. These tasks include workload, compatibility with others,  completion of work on time, delivering your body at your job.

Say you meet someone and there’s mutual interest and things begin to progress. You will have mutual expectations of one another. This is a different kind of scenario then the ones mentioned above because ideally, it's an equal-footing. With classroom and workplace settings, there is an immediate and real power structure that is unequal. You will most likely be the subordinate. You enter in those situations because they are necessary to graduate or provide the funding you need to live. With romantic relationships or even platonic relationships, you’re there because you want to be in them. That said, the deliverables are things like loyalty. What level of loyalty or fidelity are you being asked to deliver? Intimacy, presence, and compatibility all follow along the same sort of vein. Do you want children and are you willing to do what’s necessary to deliver them? Can you deliver the income necessary to make this particular relationship work? Lastly, can you and will you deliver the amount of love required for this relationship?

Just as a side note, let your imagination run wild for a second and say that you’re a celebrity. As a celebrity you are being asked to deliver to your fans and critics, a level of performance with some amount of regularity. There are image deliverables to consider as well. These deliverables are everywhere and the world runs on them.

Its boils down to this,
Identify the (X)
Is (X) a realistic deliverable?

A) Can I deliver (X)?

B) Do I want to deliver (X)?

There is no shame in asking what is expected of you. It shows initiative and a willingness to deliver.  That said, it is best to ask these questions at the beginning. Waiting until the day of the final; waiting until your boss calls you in with a “we need to talk” speech; waiting until you hear “I think we should see other people”, is too late. Being blown away from not knowing what you needed to deliver is part of figuring life out, and it’s happened to ALL of us.  It’s painful, but take it as a lesson that you should have asked what your deliverables were at the beginning. It’s never too late to realize the truth behind deliverables, and then incorporate that in new relationships in the classroom, workplace, or personal relationships going forward.  Berating yourself for not doing it because you didn’t know serves no purpose, but not doing it when you know better is foolish.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Yup. I did it. I ruined someone's day.

I’m not so pleased with myself but everyone in some way, shape, or form falls from grace. I’m totally sensationalizing this event, but as a writer, that’s what we do.  Here’s how it went down. It’s lunch hour. I’m walking to one of my favorite eateries and am crossing the street. The white “you may walk at this time” guy is illuminated and I’m briskly crossing the street. Almost reaching the other side, I see a colleague. Jovial greetings, hand shaking and all that…no big deal. Well the car in front of us starts revving her engine at us as this is happening. Keep in mind, the light’s still green. I have the right to walk at this time. Then she does it again…and I shoot her a dirty look and go back to my conversation. Incensed, she stands and the gas pedal. 

 I want it to be noted that a car can be used as a weapon, if it couldn’t, then you probably wouldn’t need a license to drive one. When you rev your engine at someone, you are acknowledging that fact and you are threatening someone’s life.  In this case, mine.

I know I can't physically hurt this girl. I’m not packing heat, but I do see that her window is rolled down.  So again, I make eye contact and then I say “Go ahead and rev your engine at me one more time you C*NT! See if that makes me move any faster. ” Her jaw dropped. I haven’t used that word for anyone other than Ann Coulter in years. I don’t feel good about it either. When I was younger I would have reveled in the fact that I got the opportunity to put someone in his or her place. To be clear, I don’t feel bad about it either. The chick may as well have pointed a gun at me. It’s the same thing. I guess it’s the feeling of pity that this lost little girl thinks it appropriate to treat people like that. Poor little girl.  I hope she finds wisdom through a life-changing event. For example, She could get lost in the wilderness and nearly starve to death, but then by the grace of god, kind surrogate vulture parents would nurse her back to health by vomiting corpse bits and what-not into her mouth, saving her life. Yeah, that’d do it. I wish that for her. 
Now I feel warm inside.   

Monday, March 25, 2013

Ok, let’s just call this what this is. Karl Rove DID NOT just endorse gay marriage.

Karl Rove did not break out his PFLAG card and say “They’re here they’re queer, and I’ve finally gotten used to it!” Nope, that didn’t happen. He simply responded with “I could.” when George Stephanopoulos asked if he could imagine a GOP candidate being Pro-Gay Marriage. Big deal, he can imagine it. I can imagine “Murder She Wrote” going back on the air. I can imagine Michelle Bachmann finally snapping and saying “I am not a homophobe! I f*cking married one!”

Truth of the matter is that Karl Rove has used gay folks as cannon fodder to further his career since his very early days as a political strategist, and I liken him to a low-rent Hitler. Wow! That just happened. Yup, and I’ll say it to the loathsome troll’s face.  Karl Rove’s adopted father Louis Rove is gay. This man raised Karl Rove and yet Karl was the sole person who says he didn’t know his dad was gay. He lived in Palm Springs for crying out loud. He and his father were close and had an amicable relationship and this didn’t stop him from using gay people as fuel for his propaganda machine that got George W. Bush into the Governor’s mansion, and later the White House.  He took a divisive issue and used it to get what he wanted. A bucket of rabid scorpions has a greater sense of loyalty than this man. Hitler did the same thing. He took a cross-section of people and got the country to rally against them, and then he expanded. It’s bullying on a massive scale.

Does Karl believe what he espouses? I sincerely doubt it and it doesn’t matter. I’m sure he’s going to look for another outlet to funnel his motivational hatred when people finally stop hating gays. You watch, it’s absolutely true. He will attempt to unify the American people against a common foe. If no foe exists, he'll make one. All the while, he’ll be rubbing his hands together as the diversion takes place.

Satan’s Filthy Concubine hasn’t changed his stance, he’s simply says he can imagine it, and if he did change his stance, you’d be a fool to believe it.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Gone Daddy, Gone!

There is a certain overwhelming truth that has become a Hallmark of this day and age. All deception will eventually make it’s way to the light of day. Communication is instantaneous and everyone is anxious to hear what exactly happened. It’s only a matter of time.

That said, I’m glad you’re leaving. In fact, I can’t say anybody’s heartbroken to see you in their rear-view mirror.  If I’d had my way, I’d have thrown your shit into garbage bags and thrown it on the front lawn a long time ago.  By the way, has anybody ever told you that your profile looks like a Skeksi from the Dark Crystal?

Your contribution as a pope is a legacy protecting child molesters and being generally divisive.  Instead of delivering a message of peace and unity, your Christmas speech was about how gay people are ruining the concepts of marriage and family. Now there are allegations of corruption and money laundering…Really? You’re the holiest man the Christian world can produce? Really?
You’ve done nothing to try to keep up with the modern world. You’ve taken an antiquated message and used it to alienate people. Catholics, this is the best you can come up with, a former member of the Hitler Youth? Really? It’s no wonder that people are leaving the church in droves.

The news is saying that the Pope’s ailing health is the reason behind his stepping down. There’s absolutely no way that’s true. The stigma behind being the 1st Pope in six hundred years to step down by far outweighs the ailing health scenario. I call bullshit. There’s absolutely something a foot here.

Wednesday, February 06, 2013

The Boy Scouts, Rick Perry, and The Governor’s Mansion

I normally don’t do a two-fer, but I have to call him out on this.

Rick Perry is urging the Scouts to not change their policy and include gay people. I don’t know who that queen is trying to convince with taking every single opportunity to stand up in the middle of church and proclaiming “Gay people suck!” Rick, the topic was do unto others as you would have others do unto you…oh wait, now I can totally see why you would say that. Your mind immediately went to that sex place and you had to open up and tell everyone that you’re not some mincing fop. 

It would be different if he just did it once. But the man is practically printing up t-shirts that say “anything but queer” or “ask me how NOT gay I am.” Only someone desperately trying to cover up the fact that they are secretly gay would feel obligated to do that. This behavior is akin to a third-grade girl going up to the boy she likes on the playground, smacking the shit out of him, and then running away. That’s right, Rick. I’ve just indirectly called you the developmental equal to a preadolescent female. Does the dress fit? Because you look ridiculous in it. I once knew a compulsive liar who, upon meeting someone, would say that she never ever lied -- same sort of thing.

Rick wants the public to believe he's protecting the children. In actuality, less than 1% of child molesters identify as gay or homosexual

The rumor mill is saying that Rick Perry has a type -- mid 20s, Latino and well-muscled (whatever you’re into, mister lady) -- and that the torching of the governor’s mansion was actually done by a spurned lover. There are multiple news sites that report that Rick had a relationship with his former secretary of state, Geoff Connor, and is currently in a relationship with one of his two male chefs, paid for with taxpayer money at $10,000 a month.

Rick Perry was an Eagle Scout, which he believes entitles him to open up his word hole and tell the Boy Scouts what they should and should not do in regard to policy. He thinks they should continue to be bigots by not including gay people. Saying that all gay people will be expelled from the Scouts is to teach young people that discrimination is right and an American value. Governor Perry, you are sending a message that gay people are targets and “less than”. No one asked for your opinion. It is not your place to mandate morality. You’re a figurehead at best.

The Boy Scouts are leaders, concerned with making noble choices and good decisions. The Boy Scouts is about helping those who need assistance.  The Boy Scouts is about welcoming all who wish to help because it’s the right thing to do.

My message to Rick is this: Cut the shit and stop acting like a dick. Every time you open your mouth, it just makes people look harder, which is the opposite of what you want them to do. Focus on making Texas the greatest it can possibly be. Texas loves all of its sons and daughters, not just the ones you deem suitable.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

A Magic Eight Ball whose only Answer for everything is PRAYER, but try shaking it anyway: an open letter to Rick Perry:

Not to bring up old shit, but let’s look at your track record. Your big push for the presidency was an ad about how gay dudes shouldn’t be able to fight openly in the military. Not a good move. Turns out, people don’t really hate gay folks as much as you want them to believe you do. The words you were searching for were “Thank you for serving our country”, a service you never bothered to do and you were a Military Science major.  I never served in the military either, but I support ANYBODY who’s willing to lay down their life for the benefit of this great country. You should re-evaluate your priorities, perhaps try an attitude of gratitude. 

The part of Planned Parenthood that provides abortions is completely separate from the one that provides health care to lower income women -- you know, the one that consists of treatment for cancer, diabetes, STI's, high-blood pressure, checkups, and yes contraception.  You refused federal funding in any way for all services. So now all of these women have to go without medical attention or pay out of pocket. That was 200 million dollars that you turned your nose up at, and you don’t even own a vagina. You care for children until they're born. Your message to children then becomes “go outside and practice breaking some rocks”. You signed a bill slashing education by 4 billion dollars. Great, so now that we have all these kids, let’s not educate them.  Way to keep Texas competitive, Rick.  Are you kidding me?

Your latest is a response to gun control. “Texas needs prayer.”  No, what Texas needs is a leader who can stand up and deliver a message without sounding like a total tool bag.  I have no problem with responsible gun ownership. I appreciate the skill of marksmanship. Our problem is crazy people, and at this point in the game, one could very easily argue that we currently have one living in the governor’s mansion.  Sane gun owners don’t kill people. Crazy people kill people and it doesn’t matter if they own guns, because they will find guns or something else that works. Texas ranks dead last in mental health spending per capita. Increase mental health spending, at least as a proactive measure to show your constituents that perhaps you have a vision that will prevent the need for guns in regard to protection.

Your priorities are way out of whack.



John Padgett

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Exiled to France: An open letter to Lance Armstrong


Dear Lance,
It’s not the doping that pisses us off. Cycling is a sport that’s rife with performance enhancing drugs of some sort or another. I also realize that this is going to sound like a tween movie cliché if I say, “everybody does it”, but it’s true in this case. It’s become sort of an unspoken understanding that a huge chunk of those competing in the sport are doping. Cheating is so rampant in the Tour De France that when blood doping isn’t found, they blame the bike.

It’s the lying that pisses us off. Wait. It goes beyond lying. It’s adamant lying. Then when people accuse you of doing it, you sue them. Wait. It goes beyond suing, you annihilate them. Lance, you’ve ruined lives, over and over again. I’ve never met you, but I know plenty who have and everyone says the same thing. “He’s a prick.” In fact, you’re a self-identifying prick. I understand that it takes a special soul to reach the level of achievement you have.  You’ve beaten everything that’s come across your path and you’re invulnerable. Perhaps that’s why you expose yourself to women you work with. What are they going to do? You’re Lance Armstrong. Everyone not on “team Lance” is treated like cancer, to be dominated, defeated and annihilated. It’s a shame. I feel sorry for you.

You say you came clean because of your family. You did it for your kids.  I don’t buy it. That is the most selfish thing I believe I’ve ever heard. If you really had your family and children in mind, you would have denied it and taken your secret to the grave. Instead, you have placed your indisputable shame on the shoulders of your children to carry for the rest of their lives. It’s impossible to outshine you. You’ve worked hard to make it that way. Because of that fact, your handiwork will smudge every achievement your children will ever make in some way. Thanks, dad!

I’m pissed that you’re a Texan. It’s bad enough that GW Claims to be from here (he’s not. He was born in Maine. Sorry Maine, but hey, you got Stephen King.). You have taken the Texan counter argument away from us when we travel abroad.  When I would go to Europe and tell people I am from Texas and they’d wrinkle their noses like they’ve just smelled a fart and say “George Bush” and then I’d drop your name and everything would be okay. I can’t do that now. Thanks, Lance!

So what now? I’m sure all your proverbial chickens are coming home to roost and the lawsuits are about to beat down your door. As far as the endorsements are concerned, you have sold more merchandise for these companies than they could have ever sold without you. You have made many people a great deal of money. That money should remain to be yours; that said, it’s time you fix what you broke. Now you pay for all the lives you’ve destroyed and careers you’ve ruined, some of which can’t be fixed.  Next, leave the state. You have furthered the already sullied reputation of what it means to be a Texan with your behavior. You are no longer Texan. Don’t claim it. You should be banished to France. I’m sure they will be licking their chops to hear that you’re coming…and take Rick Perry with you, we’re done with that nut-sack too.

You were the best thing to ever happen to cancer. For cancer survivors, you were the living symbol of perseverance and triumph over a creeping death sentence, living proof that the odds can be beaten, Austin’s favorite son. 

A huge disappointment.


John Padgett

Saturday, January 12, 2013

It appears the mother-ship of giggling spastics has beamed down an away team.

A late afternoon at the coffeehouse.

I was originally going to post about my family or the flu epidemic but instead, I am now going to blast these ridiculous morons. Let’s take this point by point. If you’re at a coffeehouse, please realize that many people are here to work. I am one of these people.  Irritating me will get you marginally famous…and not in a good way. For the record, I don’t give flying can of smashed assholes about your conversation, but if you get in the way of my work, I will absolutely provide color commentary of your conversation.

I realize that reading has fallen out of fashion, and therefore, I’m not in the slightest bit worried that any of the above pictured morons is reading this, and if you are, it’s most likely going to take you weeks to get through this smidgeon of an article, and then there’s the hurdle of comprehension…yeah, I’m going to sleep easy.

  1. If you suck at reading aloud, don’t come to the coffeehouse and practice. No one wants to hear you sound-out your way through “The Little Engine that Could.”  There she was, blithely giggling away as simpletons do. Pecking away at her smartphone and then reading out factoids at the top of her lungs…badly. “Peanuts aren’t really nuts. Prairie dogs aren't really dogs at all. Panda bears aren’t really bears.” It goes on and on. Hey guess what? You being told to “Go fuck yourself.” Isn’t intended as wishing you the best on your evening alone. There’s a fact for you.
  2. Go ahead. Say “like” one more time. “I was like oh my god. That’s like totally how I got Herpes”.  Once the can of "LIKE" was opened, the gaggle of spastics LIKE exploded. Like flew everywhere. It was akin to a Facebook post of a kitten sneezing or a puppy that woke itself up with a fart. Like. Like. Like. Like.
  3. It’s “hanged”. No really, it is. While I’m moderately impressed that you sort of know who Guy Fawkes was, there’s no way to tell whether or not he was hung. He was hanged. Hung refers to cock size, but let’s not go down the reproductive road for you. In fact, let’s just go ahead cross that off your to-do list altogether. Spare the gene pool. Where’s your sense of mercy?
Through my shameless eavesdropping, I’m wondering if my being a curmudgeon has derailed my sense of compassion and led me down the path of heartlessness. Have I completely lost it? Nope. I still have a love of humanity. It’s inconsiderate behavior that I despise. It’s the lack of regard. It’s their parents that should be popped in the mouth with a wooden spoon for rearing these children in an environment that fosters this behavior. I’m sure at the end of the day these young people are perfectly nice, probably when they’re asleep.