Thursday, July 14, 2011

Breaking the Cycle of Douche-Baggery

So here it is. If you’re reading this, then you are clearly not included in the group that I’m referring to. Someone has either told you about this blog or you were ambitious enough to ferret it out on your own…so yay, you!
I’m going to start out by requesting that you, as bright people, put down your books or whatever project you’re doing and go and make children.
Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Okay, well get around to it at your earliest opportunity and I’ll go ahead and thank you in advance.
Thanks for that.
If you’ve already created babies, thanks and junk. That was pretty neat.

Before I get this ball a-rollin’, let it be noted that I don’t have a problem with kids. Kids are great. Love kids. Some parents just need to be stopped, perhaps sterilized.

Let me just start out by saying that the human race is getting dumbed-down by the idiots who view making babies as a sport or vehicle to be taken seriously. We are being assaulted by douche-bags, ass-hats and dildo-heads by way of over-breeding. The crossbreeds of the aforementioned group are ass-bags, douche-heads and dildo-hats, but results tend to vary. The movie Idiocracy illustrates this point pretty well. In essence, we’re being overrun by morons.

Let me elaborate by giving an example of my point.
If you come up to me, a stranger, and ask me to touch your pregnant belly, don’t get all miffed when I say “Jesus, no! Why would I want to do that?” And since you brought it up, if you make it a habit of asking strangers to touch your body, any sort of mystery as to how you ended up pregnant has been solved…fer sher. After the gestating stooge is born, hopefully he won’t be genetically predisposed to be the poster child for inappropriate touching…fingers crossed on that one.

Furthermore, during this pregnancy, “the pregnancy” is the only topic of conversation that these moron parents-to-be seem to have. They’ll prattle on an on about how:
Oh, I’m sooo…sick of being pregnant…ugh…. In actuality it’s probably the only conversational arrow you’ve got in that quiver of yours…so I’m sure it’s a mixed blessing when the baby finally falls out of you.
“Well we’re trying to decide on whether or not to go to a hospital or…” Totally uninterested, have it in a public pool for all I care.
“We’re trying convert our home office into the baby’s room…so we’re painting…but we don’t know what colors to go with because we’ve decided to not know the sex of the baby and be surprised…” Paint the walls red, like they’re bleeding.

This situation from there just goes from bad to worse when the kid’s born. In this particular case, the dick now has the one track of conversation which has shifted from “the pregnancy” to “the baby” and seeks out other fresh parents to have it. If you are not one, you are spoken to in this condescending “there there” tone. It’s thrilling. They look at you like your opinion or existence is less than valid due to your lack of offspring. “You don’t get it, you don’t have kids.” This example proves the fact that having children doesn’t make you a good person, before you were a dick, now you’re a dick with potential dicklets…wonderful…well done.

“We don’t go out anymore…because of the baby.” It’s like pointing at the cold sore on your lip and mentioning your boyfriend/girlfriend…

Say, by chance, you happen to have come across these scribblins and you’re one of the morons in question. Please know there are those of us who are annoyed by you anyway. It’s because you’re a jerk, or a tool, or any of the aforementioned epithet at the beginning of this blog. So I pose the question, is it fair to have the people whom you irritate mandatorily participate in throwing you a baby shower? If you’re a dick, why should I celebrate the successful passing on of your genes? Are you shitting me? It’s like throwing a pool party for the fact that the Earth just woke up with a fresh zit on its ass.

I'm just say'n.
There is a sliver of hope in this situation. Many children rebel at some point, which means that the world could be spared the bleak future I assume we’re destined for, but I’d sleep much more soundly if more smart and considerate people had more smart and considerate kids.