Monday, October 10, 2011

It’s all about the junk, apparently

Sooo. Here’s this…I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that I hope that this trend of being disenchanted and only wearing clothes that are "ironic" in the sense that they’re obviously hideous is on it’s way out. The clothes you put on our body tell the world how you see yourself and how we should perceive you.
Hipsters, this crap of making a “clip art” outfit from the very worst trends of the 80’s in an effort to “stick it to the man” accomplishes nothing but making you look like an imbecile. The people you’re trying to piss off are chuckling at your expense. Imagine trying to stifle a laugh because you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings…ok, this is NOT that. The people you’re trying to thumb your nose at are pinching themselves to keep from laughing because they want to see just how far you’re going to saunter down “look how much I can dress like crazy person” lane.
Your pants are already so tight that we can check your pulse through your skinny jeans and you’re rubbing our noses in it.
Your fashion statement is telling me “Hey world, I’m bored with like everything so check out my junk. I’m sure it’s way cooler than anything you’ve ever seen so don’t bother to comment.”
Keeping this in mind, I have a problem with the interpretation of lower body coverings of the millennial generation in general, not just the hipsters and here’s why:
1) Ladies, what gives with trend of hiking the short shorts all the way up your crack and then leaving the house? It’s like your asshole is half goat and decided to snack on your shorts. For real, I’m not saying you’re not a lady, but this is clearly the mark of a woman who’s ready and willing to earn some bus fare…skank. You’re gonna run out of bleach trying to scrub that skid mark out; that is, if you bother, you’re clearly not troubling yourself with underwear, why should you go the distance of doing laundry?
2) Speaking of underwear, Guys, I’m glad you’re proud of it. Really I am. It’s good to have that signature piece that says “This is what I’m about!”, but if you're one these guys walking around the with waist of your pants actually beneath your ass and your boxers parked at your navel, you’re sending the message the you’re mentally defective. One could assume that you’ve come to this conclusion to wear your pants in this manner because you can’t wrap your head around the fact that toilet paper is used vertically and not side to side; therefore, making the need to air out the region a necessity. Literally showing your ass to the public merely shows the world that anything coming from your person is not to be taken seriously and probably reeks of poo.
At this point, I’d like to bring something up, but I’m a little afraid to because if you’re a hipster, you may decide to go down this road because “this time you’ll fix ‘em”. You’re really gonna flip us off with fashion’s middle finger. And it’s called HYPERCOLOR.

These clothes changed color when you apply heat and moisture. I know it seems like a fantastic idea, but when your photo prints come back from the Wallgreen’s (because you’re not getting a digital camera ‘cause those are for sell-outs. "Yeah, take that!"…as you tweet this to all of your friends.) you will be horrified to find that this fad was actually trap; probably developed by the French to see if “Zee Stupeed Amereecans will do eet.” And boy did we ever, we totally drank the shit out of that punch. Summer hit and it looked like somebody went over our armpits and crotches with a highlighter. You couldn’t go to a theme park of any sort without you’re eyes being assaulted with fluorescent nether regions. Having lived through it once, I urge you, please, do not recycle this trend, and if you do, please go the distance and gouge our eyes out and spare us the horrific flashbacks of our childhoods. I believe I’ve made my point that, as a generation, you’re obsessed with your own genitals. Everyone could agree that Hypercoloring your junk on top of all of it is just excessive, I mean really.
Here’s a scenario that may illuminate this picture as to the mindset of these peeps. You come across an interestingly clad young person with their headphones on, just rocking out. Your interest is piqued and you therefore ask the hipster in question what they’re listening to. Instead of telling you, which would make things entirely too easy, they don this “n’yah n’yah" tone and groan out “It’s probably something you’ve never heard of.”…yeah, you fell for it. Previous generations would just flip you off, but since you’ve come this far, you go stick the other toe over the line and say “Ah come on. Just tell me.”
Then they look at you with a straight face and say “It’s crickets fucking.”
“Really? There’s band called Crickets Fucking?"
“No, it really is cricketsfucking.”
You fell for it. You got played. You may as well just own it. This trap was choreographed before you got there and was staged entirely for the benefit of making you feel out of touch and not to bother with further attempts at trying to relate to them, meanwhile they’re wearing the parachute pants you gave to good will, the grey ones…the ones the cat pissed on…yeah those. That smell never truly washes out, huh? You hated that cat, both then and now.
Did the generations before the millennials use up EVERY single fashion possibility? I sincerely doubt it, and if you stopped whining about how bored you are and found something you genuinely enjoy, I’m sure that your brain would give birth to something new. Instead of showing us that you own the parts with which to conceive something, show us you can.